The new model.

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Welcome to the hospital of the damned! Here we have perfected efficiency to bring you the very best in healthcare. You will be reassured to hear that we have removed all middle managers and exiled clinicians from the board rooms. All decisions are now made as part of streamlining the patient journey from front door to exit.

You’ll be pleased to hear that we expect the right diagnosis from the moment you step in to the hospital. So confident are we that this will be achieved that we have banned clinicians from changing the initial diagnosis! By doing so we have halved all hospital stays!

Disclaimer: It has been rumoured that these efficiency changes have increased deaths. We are not collecting this data currently but we can say that our data shows more people than ever before are returning to our hospital, sometimes only days or even hours after going home! Such a popular trend just tells us that people love our hospital and can’t stay away.

In a further move to improve efficiency we have outsourced rota coordination for all staff to a well known third party packing and delivery company. This move has reduced costs and whilst we are aware of teething problems we are confident these will soon disappear.

Fun fact: On the topic of vanishing things we have committed to tidying all offices and non clinical areas. Starting with replacing chairs with dual function devices called bins we have also removed unsightly cups, mugs and kettles. Staff are encouraged to enjoy tea and coffee brought in from home by cupping tap water and dipping teabags within. This has had a remarkable effect on handwashing, something that we are all pleased to see.

Fun fact: We are also delighted to announce that it has become a fine-able offence for staff to dispose of anything within hospital grounds. Your money shouldn’t be used to remove their waste!

Disclaimer: These rules are not present in the executive offices as these offices are located approximately 50 miles from the hospital and therefore will have no positive impact on patient care.

Lastly we are super excited!!!! To share that we have piloted a new initiative aiming to increase out patient appointments by removing all inpatient access to the following specialties: palliative care, oncology and haematology. Already we have seen dramatic drops in many patient stays!

We hope you enjoy your stay in the hospital of the damned, where the patient comes first.